I woke up this morning with one thing on my mind, Mother’s Day. The day we celebrate the person that brought us into the world and raised us. That special woman who has put her blood, sweat and tears into turning us into the people we are today. It’s not an easy job, but it is so rewarding.
I was blessed to be given an amazing mother. What makes her even more special is that she chose me. My parents were never able to have children, so they adopted me when I was 4 months old. They also had about 24 foster children before the got me. I was raised in a majorly Godly home, yes I was the sheltered church girl. I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am today without the values they taught me. Was I an easy child, nope. I was the rambunctious ADD girl. Always on the move and ALWAYS in trouble. I know that I haven’t always treated my mother in the best manner. Lots of fights, but she’s loved me through it all.
But this morning I’m thinking of someone else. Someone I think about all the time. Someone who made a TOUGH decision and made a huge sacrifice. My birth mother. She gave me up so I could have an opportunity to have a better life.
All my life I have struggled with the fact I was adopted. Struggled with those emotions of being unloved, unwanted, abandonment, rejection. I have wondered why she didn’t want me. What was “wrong” with me. Truth is there is nothing wrong with me and I am loved. It has taken me a very long time to get to that point to say that.
Growing up I always wanted to find my mom. But when I turned 18 and was able to, I got scared. I had those thoughts of what if she doesn’t want anything to do with me. I also found out on my 18th birthday I had a older brother. It rocked my world and I pushed all those emotions down. I didn’t want to deal with them. I didn’t want to have to deal with the pain of rejection all over again. I’ve been running from it ever since.
Earlier this week a friend of mine posted a blog about running, you can read it here. It sort of stopped me dead in my tracks. I’m a runner, literally and metaphorically. If we are truly honest with ourselves, we all have areas and issues we hide from. Those areas we keep hidden on the shelf. Every so often, we will pick it up and look at it. Maybe we think today is the today to face this, but no we dust it off and put it back on the shelf. Eventually we get tired of running and have to face the issue. I’ve been working on this post for a few months, I started it but never finished it. It’s one of those “face your fears” things. But after reading Lynsey’s blog I decided that I can’t run anymore, I’m tired.
I’m 35 years old and it scares the living daylights out of me to walk down this path. It will be an emotional journey and I have a hard time with deep things. I remember watching the movie October Baby in theaters with a friend a few years ago. Watching her find out she has a brother and having her birth mother reject her, hit me hard. Talk about an ugly cry and dealing with emotions in a theater full of people, I almost walked out of the theater sobbing. Yet I still pushed those feeling back down.
Last year a friend posted a question on a group page I’m in on Facebook. “What’s on your life goal list?” As everyone was adding comments, it hit me, “Angie this is the year”. Oh I fought it HARD, but I posted it, “Find my biological family”. Yes, I still haven’t done anything yet.
I’ve been talking about this with friends since that post and what they have said to me is true. I’m stronger now than I was. I’m ready for this. I don’t know where this path may lead, but I’m ready to take those 1st steps. I know that whatever lies at the end, I’m not walking this path alone, I have my best friends and family by my side.
So I sit here in bed, with tears running down my face, thinking “would my mother be proud of me?” Of the choices I’ve made and the person I’ve become. Does she think of me? I think about my brother and wonder if he know he has a sister.
“Mom I love you and thank you for your sacrifice. I know it was a tough decision. Thank you for giving me up and not choosing abortion. You gave me a change to live and have an amazing life. I wouldn’t be here or who I am today without you.”
I know I’m not alone in these thoughts and feelings. I hope that sharing my story will help others on their journey.
TO BE CONTINUED…….